Kinks & Coffee ft. Wicked Wanda

Hellooo and happy 2021 folks! I know the new year hasn’t gotten off to a great start, but I do hope you are all finding ways to keep yourselves physically and mentally strong while we endure the latest provincial lockdown. I was fortunate to do a socially distanced interview with Wanda, the owner of Wicked Wanda’s Adult Emporium, for my blog before lockdown measures tightened. Wanda is an entrepreneur in the sexual health and wellness industry and an active member and leader in the local BDSM community. I was really interested to hear about the driving forces that led her to open a sex shop and how sexual and mental wellness has intersected through out her life. I was also curious to learn more about how the local BDSM community convenes and in what ways Wanda would like to see it progress. The conversation was so juicy and engaging — I just want to get right to it! Below is a summary of my two hour chat with Wanda over Tim Horton’s coffee at her shop on Bank St. in downtown Ottawa — ENJOY!

Natalia: Wanda — you’re a business owner, an advocate for sex positivity, a mother and you recently became a grandmother — congrats again! I wanted to start by asking you if there are other key parts of your identity that you want to highlight.

Wanda: I think we all have a journey with our identity. My identity has been fluid at times in my life, though I would say that I am predominantly a leather woman. There have been moments when I have been tri-sexual — meaning I’m not straight, I’m not gay or bisexual — I am human-flowing. If I think you’re an amazing human and I feel a connection with you, I don’t care what your gender or bits are. I really would like for us to get to the point where we don’t have to identity ourselves by who we have sex with.

Natalia: I’m not familiar with the term ‘leather woman.’ What does that mean to you?

Wanda: A leather person is someone who is into BDSM, kink, and things that are alternative in lifestyle. The people that started leather culture were gay men during the post-war era. Some men came back from the war feeling like misfits and rejected the cookie cutter life. They didn’t want to start a nuclear family, so they created their own family. It began as a men’s only group but in recent years it has become non-gendered, at least here in Ottawa. I affiliate with leather culture because I offer a safe space for people who want an alternative lifestyle. Though, it’s worth noting there is an old guard and a new world when it comes to kink.

Natalia: Are there bridges being built between those two worlds?

Wanda: So many bridges! But there are also challenges. When 50 Shades of Grey showed up, it disrupted a lot of important work started by the leather community around safety and education with kink play. Leather daddy culture recognized things could happen and it was important to share information (e.g., you left this cock ring on me for an hour and you bruised my nut — we need to share this so it doesn’t happen to others!). Some groups branched out and became specialized in certain areas of kink. For example, there are a lot of sophisticated shibari rope groups around today. These sub-groups all came from leather culture, becoming more specialized and educating upwards. At the same time, some of BDSM culture has gone further into an underground world of mystery, and often abuse, where there is no training. To play in kink with someone safely can take years of practice, especially if you want to do something really edgy.

Natalia: So, where did this identity start for you? Were you always a sexual person or were there things that happened in life to lead you to develop an interest in sex and kink?

Wanda: I grew up in the late 60’s and 70’s during a time when the majority of children my age had experienced or been exposed to things that were not necessarily kosher. Things happened and when you talked about it, you were shushed. That’s a pretty fucked up place for a kid to be. I learned more than I needed to know about sex at a fairly early age. By the time I was pre-pubescent, I was experiencing things that were probably not very normal. I had too much comprehension. When you are sexual at 6 years, you’re a beacon by the time you’re 10. I can’t tell you how many older men were inappropriate with me. It was just a pattern in my life. I recognized it was wrong, but my mother, who also came from a history of abuse, was very sick during those years. My family was preoccupied with her illness and keeping her alive, so what I was going through was ignored.

Natalia: By the time you were a teenager, were you the most sexually active among your friends?

Wanda: Yes, but I was very shy and quiet about it. I didn’t talk to my friends about it. My sexual experiences were always with older men, not kids at school. I was kind of lost because it was the only place where I felt the affection I was looking for. I knew how to have sex and I knew what men liked. I recognized I had some power but I didn’t know how to use it for myself yet. Their desire made me feel grown up, but at the same time I was mixed with this little girl who wanted to run and hide. My sister would shame me about it and chase guys out of the house. She loved me and didn’t want anything to happen to me, but didn’t have the emotional maturity to talk to me about it. Her and I were broken in different ways. This vulnerability and confusion is why I latched onto my first ex-husband, who I met when I was three months short of my 15th birthday. He was only a couple of years older than me, but he made me feel safe for the first time. He really cared for me. It was a young and sweet situation. Long story short, we got married when I was three months pregnant and had our first child a month before I turned 19.

Natalia: Was this a sexually charged relationship?

Wanda: No, the sexual connection wasn’t a big part of it. I loved this person who cared for me and I decided I’m going to have to figure out how to enjoy sex with him. That’s when I started to be able to masturbate during intercourse. I thought, maybe I can get something out of this if I help it along. The first time I actually went into a adult sex shop was with my ex-husband to try and find a toy that would make sex more interesting for me. I didn’t know how to explain what I was looking for so I just grabbed the first thing I could find, a vibrator, and said this will do! It was NOT a happy shopping experience. It was a creepy place and I remember thinking that someone should do that better one day.

Natalia: Ah, interesting. We’ll come back to that, but I wonder whether it was issues with sex that led to your divorce with your ex-husband or something else?

Wanda: Not exactly. Years and years went by and we had two children together. We were both so young and really loved each other, but didn’t know how to get through this grown up life with two kids. He decided to escape it by playing around with coke on job sites. It was the beginning of the end of everything. It takes a lot to leave a relationship that is co-dependent. Detaching from his family, who I was very close with, was incredibly hard. Fortunately, I had an amazing best friend who was there for me. I don’t think I could have done it without her. It was at that time that I realized I loved HER so much and that I had different relationships that were so much deeper. To this day, my relationships with my girlfriends are so important.

Natalia: I completely agree with that sentiment. My own divorce really opened my eyes to the intimate and deep love I have with friends. After your divorce, did you take some time to be alone?

Wanda: No, I was feeling lost and just fucking went for it. I had probably had sex with at least 100 men as a child. Now I was in my 20’s and dating for the first time as a woman. But given my history of abuse, I was cautious and didn’t want any guys in my house around my daughters. However, my daughters went away every second weekend and I used that time. I dated around for about a year after my divorce. Then, all of a sudden, something clicked and I didn’t want anyone near me anymore. I didn’t want to be touched. It was starting to sink in that most of my sexual experiences had left me feeling used. I started to see men as disrespecting me. I decided not to date for a while, two years in fact. My life has drastically changed since then in terms of promiscuity. I realized — you know what? I don’t actually like people touching me. You know what else? NO is a complete sentence. I don’t have to let somebody do this to me.

Natalia: That sounds like a really healthy shift in mindset. Where did it lead you next?

Wanda: Well, I met a really sweet man once I decided to start dating again. We got into a relationship which became a marriage too quickly. He was a good guy, a very traditional Francophone Canadian. I was crazy about him. He was very square and vanilla, but I loved him for it. I thought — right on, nothing fucking weird about this situation. But, I have an edge to me and that is never going to go totally away. I ended up hurting him. I didn’t hurt him from pursuing other men, but I hurt him because I picked me. During our relationship, I started my career in real estate and I fell in love with business. More than the money, I was hooked on the control and freedom it gave me. I didn’t have to ever deal with anyone else’s bullshit. I never wanted to be financially dependent again. I prioritized my career and success over my second husband, which led to him having an affair. At the end of the day, we both hurt each other. I’m grateful for what we went through because we have a beautiful daughter together. After that, I decided I would never get married again.

Natalia: Was it this new found passion for real estate that somehow led you to owning a sex shop?

Wanda: Yes, eventually. It was a long and winding road to get there. So, I’m alone again and becoming a hustler in real estate. I was showing a lot of properties to a guy who was really intelligent and exceptionally hot. We ended up in a relationship of sorts, though we were not boyfriend and girlfriend. He liked to play kinky and we explored that world together. I was trying things that I had never thought about (e.g., tying someone up, using a blindfold, applying a little restraint). I’m feeling calm about it because we’re communicating. I’m no longer in a place where I don’t want touch, but I want things on my own terms. It wasn’t hard core BDSM but it did initiate my transformation into Wicked Wanda. I started having relationships that were less defined. I was brought up thinking it had to be all or nothing, but I discovered that if you were honest you could negotiate anything. I still didn’t totally know what I wanted, but I knew I didn’t want a relationship that was going to choke me.

Then I entered my 30’s and met another realtor. We started doing business together with the richest people in Ottawa, making them a lot of money. I was really attracted to him and we had a super sexual, intimate connection. He was divorced as well and wanted to build a life with me. Internally, I was still having a fight about whether I wanted something traditional. Quite honestly, I pushed myself to commit to him because he was decent. He fit all the boxes and I thought it was time to set my feet down for good. We become exclusive and things move fast — we buy a house together, a 32 unit apartment building and a chain of couples romance stores. As a matter of fact, this included that store that I walked into the first time with my first ex-husband.

Natalia: Wow, isn’t that full circle! Did owning a business together complicate things?

Wanda: Absolutely, but it was living together which was the problem. We were a great team when we were out visiting clubs, trade shows and swingers groups to promote our retail business. After about four or five years into our relationship, he decided he wanted to go back to real estate full-time which led to our break up. He wanted to sell everything and he didn’t care if he left me penniless. It was a really ugly time for both of us. I had invested a lot of money because I wanted to be fully committed. I had also taken a sabbatical from real estate so that I could figure retail out. At this point, I’m tired and I didn’t care. I told him to sell our house, the apartment building, pay off the landlords, close everything. All I wanted was to keep one of the couples romance stores. I kept the shop on Richmond Road, but I found myself in a tricky spot. This little store does only $350,000 a year in business, which doesn’t exactly give me a living, and I’ve lost money on my investment properties. I’m thinking — what the fuck do I do here? So I decided to rebrand the store to “Wicked Wanda’s” and I feminized it. Then, I thought — I like this kink stuff and I bet you a lot of other people would too. A vibrator is fun, but I also know if you add this and this, it makes it even more fun! The next big thing that happened was a 5’4” biker guy walking into my shop one day. He’s 116 lbs of solid muscle. He’s ex military. He’s into BDSM and he makes beautiful leather pieces. Not only would I sell his leather work, but this guy would become my first submissive. A lot of my heavy BDSM learning happened with him.

Natalia: Had he had this type of dynamic with someone else before you?

Wanda: Yes and he had a definite idea about what he was all about. He was my first foray into the leather world and I became his dom. He adored me. True submissive people have this need for service, hence why it is common among ex-military. I started to learn what it meant to be top and bottom, submissive and dominant, and how those roles actually worked. We had a long relationship and it’s the most intimate and communicative relationship I’ve ever had. But, I wasn’t having intercourse with him. I was learning how to touch him without having sex. It was a lifestyle. He was my pet, and at times he was bisexual and a cross-dresser. I’m pretty sure his fetish was being me. We shared clothes and boots. It was a funny relationship, but a warm and loving one. He loved the industry and he was a real driving force at the beginning of my business. We would go to BDSM events together and play. I was getting pretty good at kink play and I was meeting a lot of people in the BDSM community.

Natalia: Since BDSM events fly under the radar, how did you get invited to them?

Wanda: At the time that I met my first submissive, about 2006, Ottawa was considered a model on how to engage in safe BDSM and kink. There were a few community leaders that were well respected. Miss Bunny, a couple named Miss Lily and Zap who lived in a pansexual, poli family, and Miss Jen who ran this club called Breathless. Miss Jen rented a space on Lisgar St. above the old Venus Envy store. To get invited, you had to meet with her so she could know what you were all about. It’s not like — everyone gets to play! She wanted to know why you wanted to be there and what you wanted to do in her space so that she could protect those who were serious about exploring. I really respected how Miss Jen ran her operation. She would be considered a leather woman. She was not necessarily a player, but Breathless was a go-to safety space and she was the grand mistress of it. I would go on to apply a lot of her approach in my own club.

Natalia: How did you come about organizing your own BDSM events?

Wanda: During the Breathless days, I had a realtor friend who owned a beautiful club in Aylmer and asked if I would have interest in running BDSM events there. I spoke with Miss Jen and shared that I had this concept in mind — a weekly ‘Sunday Eat and Beat’ event. It would be a place to come practice, socialize, eat and just be a part of the community. I had this new family. We were all kind of misfits in society, but we were okay with it because we were together.

Natalia: Is this when you felt like you had become a part of the fabric of the local BDSM community?

Wanda: Yeah, and I felt like I finally knew who I was. I was really proud of my store and had settled doubt about whether I should go back to making the big bucks in real estate. But my assurance would be challenged in 2009 when an arsonist burnt down the plaza that my shop was part of. It was awful. The first five days after the fire happened, I couldn’t even visit the site. I was out of my mind. I had to do some deep soul searching and make some tough decisions. I could have taken the insurance money and walked away, but I didn’t want to give it up. Luckily, I got a call from a kind landlord who owned a building on Bank St. He said — Wanda, I have a lovely space for you and we will figure a deal out. At that time, Bank St. was going under construction for 2–3 years (similar to what recently happened on Elgin St.) That space (382 Bank St.) was a block down from my current one and I was arriving at the beginning of the construction period. Those were some lean times, but I was getting quite good at BDSM and found I could make side money with it. Some customers told me they were looking for a mistress or someone to help with their fetish. I became a mistress for one man in particular who was quite well off and the exchange we had helped support my business growth. I was his mistress for five to six years, meeting him once a week. I’d create an exceptionally difficult scene for him and get paid very well. But, over time, getting paid began to make me feel less of a dom and more submissive. It stopped turning me on and I started to feel angry. I was grateful for the financial support, but I started to feel the way I had during my teenage years.

Natalia: Was it pleasurable for you at the beginning, and what exactly was his fetish if you don’t mind sharing?

Wanda: His fetish was extreme breath play. I used latex sheets and I would sit on his face for 45 seconds at a time, over and over again. After a certain point, I would release him and he would finish himself off because he was right on the edge. Sometimes it was pleasurable for me. But, then I realized he was stuck. The repetition of this scene wasn’t getting him anywhere. From one human being to another, I started to pity him. I thought — don’t you want to free yourself? This wasn’t just fetishism. It was an extreme psychological issue.

Natalia: Once you chose to end that exchange, were there other ways you could use BDSM to make money to support your business?

Wanda: Yes, by hosting various events. My favourite type of event to host was an all male orgy. I would have 10 to 15 men under one roof with maybe 5 of them cross-dressed. We would party and I would set things up. I have a really dirty and creative mind. With these types of parties, my ‘Sunday Eat and Beat’ community events and the storefront, I was able to create real living.

Natalia: Were the events more profitable than the storefront?

Wanda: Yes. Retail and relying on people to walk through the door is the loneliest way to try to make money. You need some sort of base. So, I husted at trade shows, I was hosting BDSM events, people contracted me to do demos, and I was getting better and better at my tricks. I spent many hours with my submissive perfecting techniques, like how to throw a whip.

Natalia: What is the best trick you have in your BDSM portfolio?

Wanda: My touch, otherwise known as power reiki. I know when to exhibit control and how to hold someone. People feel safe under my touch and are able to let go. Though I have an instinct about how someone probably wants to be touched, I always communicate with them first to have their consent. There is so much power in being able to communicate needs and non-desires. With the Breathless and ‘Sunday Eat and Beat’ crowd, we had real discussions about communication skills. These people didn’t bring their ego to the table. That’s the issue I see with some BDSM groups today — there are a lot of egomaniacs. The thing I like most about Wicked Wanda is that she doesn’t have an ego. It’s not about her, it’s about you. I love working one-on-one with people, learning about their situation, and helping them understand what kind of touch they like. Everyone has something they wish they could tell their partner, and most people will never talk to their sexual partner in the way we communicate at our BDSM events.

Natalia: What happened with your events? Do you still organize the ‘Sunday Eat and Beats’?

Wanda: For years, these events went on. Then, the rent for the Breathless space became too high and Miss Jen finished off with it. The ‘Sunday Eat and Beats’ became the monthly place to gather. We had a 7000 square ft. space. People would begin arriving at 11 am and the events would run until 9 pm at night. We would ask folks to throw 20 bucks at the door and there were discussions, dance, open play, demonstrations, even a potluck dinner. There was NO penetrative sex, however. If people wanted to negotiate that for later, it was fine, but not in the space. Eventually, I was overwhelmed with other priorities in life so I had to step away. I would really love to host them again some day.

Natalia: What do you see as the next phase for Wicked Wanda?

Wanda: I’m proud of the fact that over the years Wicked Wanda’s has evolved from being a BDSM and kink-friendly shop to a place to get education and good product knowledge. In the next year, I want to expand this to sharing information about healing and post-trauma, working with professional people, such as sex therapists and somatic sex educators. I have seen many beautiful things in this domain, but I also see a lot of broken people and it really hurts. I want to take a holistic approach in my profession that brings in the recovery angle. I want people to understand that you can enjoy having your bum spanked while also having your shit together. You can also be a feminist and enjoy having your haired pulled. There’s still so much misunderstanding in society. It’s about taking and giving and making sure you get what you need out of the exchange. There are so many beautiful relationships you can have as long as you are open.

Natalia: That is a beautiful note to end on. I’m excited about this direction you are headed and I’m looking forward to following your journey closely!