Kinks & Coffee ft. Tracy Montgomery
Hello lovelies! Welcome back to my blog series where I share conversations that I’m having with different women in the Ottawa community about topics relating to sexual and mental wellness. This month, it’s my absolute pleasure to showcase the delightful Tracy Montgomery, a local somatic sex educator and Certified Sexological Bodyworker whose services include intimacy coaching, integrative bodywork, and delivering various workshops. Tracy is also the president of the Somatic Sex Educators Association, which offers public education and professional training in somatic sex education and sexological bodywork in Canada and around the world, and creative admin / adjunct faculty for the Institute for the Study of Somatic Sex Education.
You may be thinking: What the heck is somatic sex education and sexological bodywork? These were my thoughts exactly when I stumbled upon Tracy’s website. What I was able to glean from my exploration of her site was that it’s a field of work that focuses on connecting people with their bodies more intimately using different types of tools and techniques. In practical terms, I wasn’t sure what that looked like and I wanted to know more, so I reached out and invited Tracy out for a coffee and chat to learn more about the profession and what attracted her to it. She was such a joy to talk with, and I’m so grateful for the knowledge that she shared and the inspiration she has given me to push this creative project of mine further. Below is a summary of our chat, which took place on the patio of the adorable coffee shop The Thirsty Maiden in Kanata/Stittsville community. I hope you enjoy it!
Natalia: Thank you so much for meeting with me today! I’m really excited to learn more about somatic sex education and sexological bodywork. I’m wondering first how you came across this profession — was it something you always wanted to pursue?
Tracy: Not at all actually, I wasn’t even aware about the profession until it quite literally fell into my lap in my forties. At the time I discovered it, I was feeling quite shut down about sex. I had left my 23 year marriage and was in another relationship, but there wasn’t a lot of sex, and I had a lot of shame around that. One day, I’m at Chapters and this book just happens to fall in front of me — as though it jumped off the shelf! It was a book by Pamela Madsen titled ‘Shameless’, which had a picture of a woman’s legs up in the air. I thought it looked interesting so I sat down and started reading it. Two hours later, I’m still reading this book. I was captivated by her story of finding her sexuality! At the back of the book, I read that she was a sex coach. I went home and sent her an email and signed up for some coaching with her. I had six coaching calls where we talked about sex authentically and a lightbulb just went off in my head about sex being an essential and important part of life. After our coaching calls, I signed up to attend one of her ‘Back to the Body’ retreats and that’s what ultimately confirmed that this was the field I wanted to be in. My wheelhouse is self-esteem and I had previously done work that helps support people feeling good in their bodies, but it wasn’t until I worked with Pamela when I realized that sexological body work was my calling. You know, a lot of people in healing professions get into it because they themselves are doing their own healing.
Natalia: That’s a really beautiful story. I’m interested to hear more about this retreat. What was it like?
Tracy: So, these are sensual retreats for women. Usually, they’re between five to seven days in some exotic or interesting location. The point is to be away from home, away from your normal routine, so that you can create a sacred space. Typically, it’s small cohorts of between six to ten women. For every day that you’re there, you receive 90 minutes a day of hands-on erotic touch from a certified sexological bodyworker. It’s life changing. Think about it — to receive 90 minutes of touch that is just about YOUR pleasure. Who has ever had that?
Natalia: Wow, what an incredible gift to yourself! That sounds so magical. Was it this retreat experience that led you towards certification in the field?
Tracy: Yes, but it took some time. I completed my training in 2015 through the Somatic Sex Educator’s Association based in Victoria, B.C. Sexological bodywork started in California in the 80’s during the height of the aids pandemic by the American sexologist Joseph Kramer at the Institute for Advanced Study of Sexuality. He wanted a way for gay men to be able to express their sexuality safely so he came up with an orgasmic yoga program that would eventually become certified by the State of California. As part of the program, he would host circles where folks could express their sexuality without physically interacting and possibly transmitting STIs. This would eventually expand into the sexological bodywork profession and somatic sex education has gone even further. It draws from the roots of sexological bodywork, supporting folks to feel good in their bodies, but is also trauma informed in its current iteration and based in new neuroscience.
Natalia: How exactly does sexological body work and somatic sex education differ from sex therapy?
Tracy: They differ in that they are not therapy, but rather education founded in lived body experience. For example, if someone has had a traumatic sexual experience, they may go to a traditional therapist and do some talk therapy to learn to understand cognitively that it wasn’t their fault that they were abused or something terrible happened to them. But, they may still not feel safe enough to get with a new partner because their body is still reacting and/or triggered by a certain sexual act. When you want to feel pleasure but have negative associations, there is often so much shame. We work with folks somatically which means everything is body-based. We start by talking with them to learn about their history, but then lead them through some somatic exercises to figure out where they are in terms of their body awareness and boundaries.
Natalia: Can you explain a bit more what body-based work entails?
Tracy: It can be having a conversation and asking a client: What are you noticing in your body right now as we talk about sex? What sensations are happening? What is your posture like? What is your heart rate like? We might do gentle movement things and I may offer therapeutic touch. In a trauma resolution context, this could be simply a hand on the shoulder. Or we might play games where the client is standing up and I walk close to them or back up against them and they can start to get a sense of their personal space. Folks who have trauma have often experienced a boundary breach, and it’s important to help them become able to state their boundaries. Other bodywork approaches include meditation, storytelling, role-playing, etc. Bodywork can also include full body touch such as anal and gential touch. Sometimes the work is to bring folks into their arousal so that they can experience it in a safe place where they are not worrying about their partner and where the arousal can stop at any time without anyone getting upset. But touch is only offered when the client asks for it and if I feel it is therapeutically appropriate. One example of an exercise that I sometimes do with a client, with their permission, is genital mapping. I would invite them to lie on my massage table, remove their clothing waist down and when they are ready, I’ll place my hands on different parts of their genitals and hold them there. I’ll ask them to describe what they are noticing in their bodies and what the sensations are. Sometimes a client might want to bring in a toy to use during a session and work with that instead. A session with a client might even be going to a sex shop with them to look at different products that could be used to explore pleasure.
Natalia: It sounds like sessions are very customizable. When it comes to the broader wellness sector, do sexological bodyworkers work closely with other health care practitioners?
Tracy: I’m starting to develop partnerships with doctors and therapists. It’s still a relatively new field, so the traditional therapeutic world has only started to realize recently that they need to deal with the whole body. Soma is that: the body, mind and spirit. I’m starting to see more doctors and therapists as my own clients because they are understanding that if they themselves are not comfortable with sex or their own sexuality, how will they support their clients? They often come back to tell me that they are using exercises that we have done together with their own clients. It’s so much easier to support someone else when you feel good about who you are.
Natalia: Would you say that the somatic sex education field is growing in Ottawa?
Tracy: We are a little bit behind. As I said earlier, this type of work started in the west coast and has slowly been moving this way. At the Institute for the Study of Somatic Sex Education, we now have a dozen students in the provinces of Ontario and Quebec combined, which is super exciting. Five years ago when I started my practice, I was all alone out here. I’m still the only person with my specific certification here in Ottawa, but now there are folks with related training and certification.
Natalia: Can you explain the steps for becoming a certified sexological bodyworker?
Tracy: So, there are five schools world-wide that teach sexological bodywork, which is where somatic sex education came from. All of them are great. There’s one in Germany, Australia, Ireland, the US and here in Canada. Some teach original sexological bodywork curriculum and some, like the institute I’m affiliated with, have expanded. For example, the Institute for the Study of Somatic Sex Education has integrated trauma awareness into curriculum, and it’s trying to create a new culture where its okay for people to be messy and make mistakes. Another focus of ours is bringing in more diversity into the field. We’re now offering a BIPOC scholarship and hiring dedicated faculty liaison to work with BIPOC students to ensure their success. They are not represented enough in our business and need to be.
Natalia: That’s amazing to hear! And can students complete this training virtually or does it have to be in-person given the nature of the work?
Tracy: For our program, there are five courses that need to be completed. Three of these are done online and two can be in-person. That being said, we currently have some students from Europe that have been unable to get visas to come for the in-person portions so we figured out a way to offer them those components online. We won’t certify them as sexological bodyworkers, but we can certify them as somatic sex educators with an online speciality. In the world going forward, I think this is going to be really important.
Natalia: What do the five courses cover?
Tracy: The first course is the introductory one. Anyone can take it, do the assignments and submit them to a faculty mentor. Then there is an evaluation at the end and they can decide if they are ready to go to the next course. Some people decide just to complete the first course as a gift to themselves, as an exercise of self exploration to figure out their sexual attitudes. Course two is an embodiment intensive. It’s a week to embody all the things you learned in course one. The week is set up to align with the arc of working with a client. Students take turns volunteering their bodies for someone practicing or learning, though no one has to work with anyone in particular or do something they don’t want to. Everything is ultimately directed by the students, the same way that clients direct the work in the real world. Course three is the sexological body work portion. Course four is another embodiment portion to integrate the lessons form course three. Lastly, course five is a practicum. We ask students to try and complete all courses within three years, though you can effectively complete all of them in as little as 18 months.
Natalia: What is your role exactly at the institute?
Tracy: I am responsible for admin work, so that includes handling registrations and helping students connect with one another. I also mentor course one students, supporting them with assignments and doing evaluation calls. We have a Community of Practice call each week where students, graduates, practitioners belonging to the association, as well as special guests come together to share knowledge and ask questions. When you’re doing an online course, you can really feel alone out there. We currently have a student from Iceland and they get to come on the call to connect with people to hear from others about how they are practicing!
Natalia: The Community of Practice element sounds really great, especially during this pandemic period when we are all craving more connection. Now going back to your own practice, I’m wondering about what types of clients you usually receive. What are the more common reasons people work with you?
Tracy: People come to me for all sorts of reasons. Some will come simply because they want to have more sexual pleasure in their lives. Other times, they’ve had a traumatic sexual experience and they want to heal from it. Approximately 60% of my clients are men and 40% women. I think its more skewed towards men because they’re traditionally more comfortable in looking for workers in the field of sex. The most common reasons male clients come to me is because of erection issues or premature ejaculation issues. There’s a lot of pressure on men and they hit their sexual peak at a young age. When they’re 19 years old, they can easily get aroused and get erection. Once they hit 40, their erections are different. There are more rises and falls. I have to explain to my male clients that these rises and falls existed when they were younger too, but they just happened so quickly they didn’t notice them. With building awareness in their bodies, I’m able to help them understand that they are more than an erection in an intimate relationship. Women come to me most often because they want to become more orgasmic and explore their sexuality in a more broader sense. A lot of them have had bad sex and want to heal from it and learn how to have good sex. The age range is pretty wide — my youngest client has been 21 years old and my oldest has been 75 years. In general though, it tends to be more in the mid range age for both men and women. People who have had their careers settle, have had kids, and are thinking — now what? Is there more? And I enthusiastically get to show them YES! There is! I also work with couples, some that have been together for decades and have found themselves in a place where sex is boring and they don’t know what to do. It can be difficult to have a productive conversation when you have been doing sex with your partner the same way for 20 years, so I help facilitate those discussions.
Natalia: Since you work with some folks who have gone through traumatic things, I’m wondering if you ever find your work exhausting?
Tracy: Actually, not at all and I think it’s mostly because of my personality. I don’t absorb other people’s trauma and when folks come in, I help them channel their own sexual energy but I don’t take it on. For me, this work is so fun and exhilaration, and it is so amazing to be working with someone and see the lights go off in their head. For example, I was recently working with a woman who has sexual trauma and she’s done through a lot of therapy. She’s in a 20 year relationship but there are still triggers that come up for her during sex. We had a moment during a session where we took a trigger and were able to turn it into a fun thing that her and her partner could do together. She was so excited! To see her come to this beautiful realization this didn’t have to be a negative in their relationship was so rewarding. I was also working with a man who had prostatectomy. After someone has their prostate removed, it’s very possible that they may never have an erection again. He has no idea that he could have an orgasm without an erection. Men are not taught that erections, orgasms, ejaculation are all separate from arousal and individual things. We did some body work together and he was able to have an orgasm. It completely changed how he felt as a man. The more incredible thing was how this new relationship with his pleasure appeared elsewhere in his life. Near the end of us working together, his mother was dying and came to live with him and his wife. They had had kind of a rocky relationship — his mom had been quite cold and there was not a lot of touch in his family. Now that she was living with him, she needed full-time care including feeding, changing, etc. Usually a caretaker would handle these duties but one day he ended up having to take care of her. He thought it would be so awkward but because he was so much more comfortable in his own body, he was okay to be close to her body. That’s the truly life changing aspect of this work — it’s not just about having better sex, which is a great thing for it to be about! But, it changes how we show up in the world and how we interact with others. People report that they’re having more fun with their kids, that they have more patience, that they are less overwhelmed at work, or that their golf game has been way better! Of course this is the impact. Sexuality is core to us, but culture teaches us to think with our minds instead of our emotions and our bodies.
Natalia: Those stories are quite touching and you’re so right, we have so much cultural unlearning to do to become more in touch with ourselves. That brings me to my last question for you. If you could bring one lesson from somatic sex education to every person on the planet — what would that be?
Tracy: I would just want folks to shed shame about sex. There are a lot of people who contact me and we just have a conversation without them ever booking a session, and it’s because the thing that they are looking for is just to hear that they are okay in being a sexual person or wanting to become more sexual. Sex is something we should be able to talk about it openly and seriously. Imagine if everyone felt really good in their bodies and were able to authentically show up? It would change the world. Erotic energy is so healing if we can connect to it. It’s our life force — it’s generative and creative — and you can use yours however you want to. It can be used for sex with yourself or with a partner, or you can use it to become turned onto other parts of your life and do the work you want to do.
Natalia: That is so well put. You’ve given me so much food for thought and I can’t wait to dig deeper into somatic sex education. Thank you Tracy!
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We honestly covered SO much more ground than what I’ve captured here, but for ease of reading I tried to be as succinct as possible. If you would like to connect with Tracy or learn more about her, you can visit her website or find her on Instagram (@reclaiming_pleasure). Her studio is located at 4043 Carling Avenue in Kanata, ON.
Thanks for taking the time to read! Please reach out if you have suggestions on whom I could sit down for coffee with next :)
xx
Natalia
