Kinks & Coffee ft. Miss Jaime Jones
Hello beautiful readers!
I hope you’re all enjoying a surge of serotonin from the delightful summer sun. I’ve been a bit delayed with completing this latest blog post as things have gotten much busier for me in my sex education side hustle. Definitely a GOOD busy — all super positive developments! That being said, the reality is that I’ve struggled to allot time for scheduling and transcribing interviews for this series in the midst of it. Because I’m in a period of adjustment with learning to balance my day job with the increased demand in my side job, I’ve decided to take a summer hiatus on the Kinks & Coffee blog series. If you’re new here — the series is about spotlighting local Ottawa women and their personal journeys with sexual and mental wellness with the aim of encouraging introspection, challenging stereotypes and inspiring others. During this hiatus, I’ll continue sharing my writing and personal reflections on my Instagram page (@kinksandcoffee) and will keep producing Wicked Wanda’s monthly newsletter (visit here to sign up). So, in the meantime please follow me in those ways and I promise to come back to this project in Fall 2021.
But before I hit pause, allow me to introduce you to the charming, cheeky and clever Miss Jaime Jones! You may recall my feature on Maissa Houri back in April — a local filmmaker and actor with an award-winning YouTube series called ‘Dirty Love’. It was during that interview that Maissa name-dropped her friend Jaime who was hired as an On-set Ethics & Intimacy Coach and Consultant. I looked Jaime up and discovered that she was also an extremely knowledgeable Holistic Sexuality Wellness Educator, Somatic Sex Educator & Bodywork Practitioner with expertise in areas of LGBTQ+, kink, and tantra. She’s delivered all sorts of interesting workshops, her flagship one being ‘Erotic Massage’. On social media, Jaime is all about promoting an orgasmic everyday lifestyle using fun and quirky comic-book presets to personalize her memes and selfies. I love her unique style to sex education and wanted to hear about the influences that have shaped it. Jaime and I met for a weeknight virtual chat and we talked for 2.5 hours because she has so many interesting stories! Realistically it could have gone on for much longer but we both had to get to bed. There’s so much more I am excited to discuss with her in the future and hope we can have some fun together collaborating :) For now, here is a summary of my interview with Miss Jones!
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Natalia: Jaime, it’s so nice to virtually meet you! I’ve really enjoyed getting a taste of your personality through social media and can see from your content that the connection between sex and mental wellness is very important to you. You have a slew of titles that you use within the sex education space — facilitator, mentor, coach, pro-domme, etc. I would really love to start with your first foray into the world of sex education. What was the entry point for you?
Jaime: Thanks for inviting me to chat Natalia! It’s been a while since I’ve reflected on my story and I’m looking forward to it. I would say that my sexual evolution started around 2009 when I was introduced to fine art nude modelling. My interest in modelling didn’t stem from a want to feel sexy or desired. It was more personal. At the time, I didn’t feel free or comfortable in/with my body. As a creative person, I thought art would be a good way to express myself and hopefully gain greater acceptance of my body . The first art shoot I did was here in Ottawa and I heard about it from my personal trainer at the time. Eventually, the nude art photography scene led me to kink/fetish and erotic modelling, which led me to the kink community. I was fortunate that my experience in the photography scene was very positive. I met a lot of good people and felt respected for the most part. This is incredibly important because there are a lot of safety concerns especially in the nude and erotic film & photography domain.
Natalia: Can you tell me a bit about the difference between nude art modelling and erotica modelling?
Jaime: I see fine art nude modelling as posing in the raw. It’s simply about the appreciation for the physical body, regardless of gender. It’s not about sexualizing nudity. Of course, some people pursue this type of modelling because they have strong confidence and use it as a means of empowerment, for attention, and/or validation purposes. For me, this form of expression was to help me feel comfortable with being nude and to build confidence that I lacked. It was very healing for the intimate relationship I have with myself. I had this cloud of shame over my head. I wanted to see if I could be naked without feeling sexualized, full of fear and uncomfortable in my own skin. My approach to erotic modelling was to normalize sex/sexuality and bring some authenticity to it. There is so much porn out there in the world that is unethical, unsafe and fake. We end up comparing ourselves to it in many ways. I sometimes call it ‘Barbie Doll Erotica’. I wanted to challenge mainstream ideas of what bodies and sex practices/activities look like. One of my favourite projects was a series called — The Art Of Fellatio. During this time of my life, I had just finished reading the book ‘The Ethical Slut’, an inspirational read, and was finally embracing and owning the word ‘slut’ in a positive and healthy way — expressing my enjoyment of sex, pleasure and pain without shame.
Natalia: It sounds like you had to overcome a lot of shame about your body and sexuality. What was it about your upbringing that caused you to feel this way?
Jaime: I grew up with a lot of shame around me. To start with, my parents did not have a loving relationship. Growing up, my primary caregivers were females and I did not have a strong emotional male presence in my life. My primary caregivers came from psychological, emotional, and sexually abusive backgrounds. I experienced transference — basically absorbing their past trauma energetically. I believe that trauma can be passed down from generation to generation. I’m still doing some thorough research into that. I was repeatedly taught directly and indirectly that men in particular were bad and not to be trusted. They only wanted sex and sex overall was dirty. I was also warned to be cautious of other women. All of this messaging cemented into my subconscious. Being naked was never okay, even as a child. In a nutshell, nudity was not neutral and often sexualized. Since no one would talk to me about sex, I had to search for my own answers and discover it for myself. Even with such avid shame and guilt, masturbation was a very close friend of mine growing up. Ha! I was a shy and anxious kid and I found it calmed me down. It was soothing. But, God forbid I talk about it or ask questions.
Natalia: In what ways were you able to learn about sex for yourself?
Jaime: I would stay up watching Dr. Sue Johanson’s ‘Sunday Night Sex Show’ that ran on late night television. I was hooked and extremely fascinated by the show. I also watched a French television series that was broadcast late at night called ‘Bleu Nuit’. From my recollection, it was soft core pornography but with thought-provoking storylines. I found it intriguing and I thought “Boy, I wish I could feel free like that!”
Natalia: I’d love to hear a bit about your early relationships. When did you start dating and engaging in sex with others?
Jaime: People are often surprised to hear that I didn’t have sexual intercourse until I was in my early 20’s. My sexual activities and exploration with others was very limited in my teens, in physical, intimate and romantic contexts. The first time I had sex (intercourse) was with my son’s father. He told me “You’re not a virgin” because I didn’t bleed. I probably tore my hymen while riding my bike or something! There are so many misconceptions about virginity… Anyway, for a long time I was insecure and avoidant of relationships. At parties we’d play spin the bottle. I would not participate and freak out inside. Kids called me ‘square’. Now I look back and understand why I was so hesitant. I was very much a loner and was bullied in primary school. In my teens, I started smoking, doing drugs (like acid) and binge drinking because I wanted something that would make me feel better about myself. Even when guys liked me, I pushed them away. It wasn’t until I started expressing my sexuality and becoming liberated and empowered that I was able to affect my mental health in a positive way and eliminate that shame. Shame still does pop up from time to time for me, but I can navigate it much better by doing self-care, purging and resetting. There was a clear link between my happiness level, mood and sexual liberation.
Natalia: Tell me about that… When did your spark for mental wellness ignite?
Jaime: I was 16 years old when I saw my first psychiatrist. At that time, I sought support because I was depressed, feeling lost, doing drugs and binge drinking. Then, when I was 18 or 19, I checked myself into a treatment centre and met my first psychotherapist who was also an addiction counsellor. They helped me understand how my brain worked and why I was feeling certain things. I developed a passion for self development. I also began taking medication and noticed improvement in my wellness. But there was still a roadblock for me — my discomfort with my body. I got to a point where I realized that my journey with my psychotherapist was done and I had learned everything I could with them.
Natalia: What were the limitations with talk therapy in your case?
Jaime: I feel that sometimes talk therapy or coaching can become a crutch. We see our therapist or coach as a guru and we can become reliant on them for our wellness. Don’t get me wrong — I believe in conventional therapy and know that medication is important because some people have chemical imbalances. I myself struggle with mental illness and take medication. That being said, a lot of mental health issues are triggered by our life situations, environments or due to how we were raised. We develop core beliefs and life scripts about ourselves. When it comes to mental health, I’m an advocate of blending mind/body (somatics) and using a combination of both western and eastern medicine. I’m not going to get into my psychological diagnosis but I have definitely been misdiagnosed. I have some regrets about how I’ve let diagnoses interfere in my life. For example, I’ve always worked part-time. I’ve never had a standard ‘normal’ 9–5 job like many people do because I was told I wouldn’t be able to handle more than that. In that way, I think therapy held me back from some things… I hope that makes some sense. Today, I’m very happy being self-employed, following my passion, and choosing my own schedule. I don’t discount conventional therapy, as it’s helped me heal and work through many things. Most recently, I was diagnosed with ADD [Attention Deficit Disorder] and I’ve sought out a therapist to help me develop the management skills that I need for it. However, when it came to building my body awareness, I knew medication wouldn’t heal or ‘cure’ my mind and body disconnect. My mental health got so much better when I started exploring my sexuality, becoming INpowered and welcoming my ethical slut persona.
Natalia: Love that. So, it was modelling that started bridging this body and mind gap for you and eventually led you to the world of kink. Can you explain more of that experience?
Jaime: Yes, kink and BDSM [bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, sadism and masochism] empowered me in many ways. I was able to explore my inner domme [dominant] or inner warrior, goddess, priestess — however you want to word it. I uncovered my fascination for bondage and then my sadist side. I call myself a part nudist and part-time exhibitionist because I would often go to kink parties topless. I met people in the community who were open and honest with me. I don’t want to say I was lucky, but as fabulous as the kink community is, there can also be dysfunction and trauma. It’s everywhere, not just a part of the lifestyle. I think that all the therapy I did before entering the kink space allowed me to navigate and identify when something didn’t feel right or safe. It also helped me make sense of this new and experiential adventure. I’m grateful for the tools I gained through therapy.
Natalia: At some point, your passion for kink became more of a job for you. When did you start working formally in areas of sexuality?
Jaime: I started learning all this kink stuff and then somehow I ended up working at a private massage lounge. Someone introduced me to someone who owned it. It was a private hostess lounge with a very particular set-up. I felt safe there because clients had to have memberships and if you didn’t want to see a client you could reject the appointment. At the private lounge , I was marketed as the domme and tantrica. I had my own personal flavour of massages and services I would deliver.
Natalia: Can you tell me about your personal erotic massage style?
Jaime: Everyone massages differently. Erotic massages are sensual but not always tantric in nature. I didn’t just get my clients excited and have them cum quickly. I really enjoy giving massages and working with my hands and feet at times! I would tap into sexual energy through touching erogenous zones, Working and tapping into waves of energy from head to toe, to provide release and relaxation for people. More of a mind, body and soul experience for some.
Natalia: Where did you learn your technique?
Jaime: I don’t know! Touching and establishing a connection just came naturally to me. My mom was a hair stylist, so growing up I would give manicures, pedicures, and work in the salon helping her. I’m a very tactical person. I also think all the reading I did informed my style. I’ve always been a seeker for knowledge — looking into different sources to acquire information and find what speaks and resonates for me. My motto is simple: explore, experiment, experience and expand.
Natalia: Can you tell me about your domme-ing services?
Jaime: My domme-ing services included anal play, spanking, verbal humiliation, restraining, and role playing. Genital massages, such as prostate and yoni massage, are two other specialties of mine. I would introduce my clients to new things and assist them at opening their minds and at times their hearts. I’d say “May I touch your toes?” and they would be like “Oh my god! This feels so good! I’ve never had my feet massaged before.” I also allowed people to experience their pain in sessions with me, and not just physical. To me there is pleasure in pain. Pleasure and pain are pretty much two sides of the same coin, aren’t they? I would tell my clients “You might cry and you’ll feel like shit for a bit. But trust me… go home, do some self care, and you’re going to feel so much better in a couple of hours or a few days. Everybody is different.”
Natalia: How long were your sessions?
Jaime: It depends. Unlike others who worked at the private lounge, I did not offer back-to-back sessions. I had my own procedure. If someone wanted me to domme them, I needed to do a kind of background intake. I needed to know where they were at mentally, emotionally and if they had trauma. I also needed my own time to transition out of each session and reintegrate. Other attendants at the private lounge said they didn’t have time for procedures like mine. I was satisfied if I had three clients in a day. However, I didn’t last very long in that specific industry and that’s okay.
Natalia: Did you enjoy working in the industry?
Jaime: I had mixed feelings. The sex work industry is very interesting and complex . People would ask me “How can you do this work and not get involved with people personally?” That part was easy for me. I was able to set up boundaries and not get meshed with my clients. But I never felt like I totally fit in. Some clients would say “You know, you’re not the usual type of girl who works at these places” because of my distinct look and the services I provided. I encountered moments where I would compare myself A LOT to the other attendants, which was not good for my self-esteem and confidence.
Natalia: What was your favourite part of that job?
Jaime: My favourite sessions were letting people explore kink in a safe way, especially with cisgender males who wanted to try anal. It brought me great joy to be able to gift someone with accepting the anus (I like to call it ‘The Rosebud’) as a pleasure zone. I loved educating clients that it’s a part of the body that feels good to be touched and explored, and there is nothing to be ashamed of. I also really enjoyed helping men with premature ejaculation. We would work on their breathing and pelvic floor muscles first. I would do sexual energy bodywork and guide them on holding back and taking conscious control of their breath. However, my practice wasn’t limited to just cisgender males. For me, a person’s sexual orientation and gender identity have no bearings on me working with them.
Natalia: When did you stop working at the private lounge and why?
Jaime: I left the private lounge in 2011 because I broke my ankle in a session. I was in a duo session with another massage attendant, prepping to give a prostate massage. I turned around sharply and ended up on my heel sideways. It was funny when the ambulance arrived. They were like “What is this place?” and I was like “Can you give me some morphine please!” (haha). I kind of see that accident as the universe sending me a signal that it wasn’t the place for me and it was time to move on and explore and expand my profession and practice.
Natalia: What came next for you in terms of work in the area of sexuality?
Jaime: I was encouraged by friends to teach my method of erotic massage. So, I designed a workshop on the art of erotic massage that included theory, components on communication, consent, safer sex and demonstration on models. The more I taught, the more referrals I got and the broader variety of workshops I delivered. I would do one-on-one sessions with couples who wanted to learn how to give or receive erotic massage. I had a woman hire me to witness me give her partner an erotic massage. I also taught at larger events. Swingers who hosted kink parties would hire me to do workshops. I was very clear about not being their playmate. I was there as an educator, teacher and guide. I created ‘The Miss Jones’ Erotic Massage Clinik & Social’ that took place at the Obsession Swing Lounge in Ottawa. After my educational demonstrations, people would break into pairs or small groups and practice on each other. I would go in with gloves to adjust and provide feedback if participants wanted some one-on-one coaching. I had waivers with rules of conduct that had to be signed. If the agreements were broken, I had no issue kicking people out or banning them from future events. I did other things as well. For example, my friend put on a burlesque show and I had a mini massage and spanking booth. With any type of entertainment I participated in, there was always an educational piece about establishing consent. I trusted my intuition and had no issues turning people away if I was not comfortable or feeling safe. I would ask if they had any trauma but didn’t need to know details. This is crucial information because if you’re going to spank someone, for instance, you could easily trigger them into regression. It was super beautiful when my booth participants would thank me for asking for consent, commenting on how comfortable and safe they felt.
Natalia: Did it ever occur that a client regressed with you?
Jaime: Yes. Once I did some somatic hands-on bodywork on a cisgendered woman who didn’t quite understand how to locate her pelvic floor muscles for Kegel exercises. Her past trauma was activated and she broke down and regressed. She said “I didn’t realize I still had all this trauma stored inside me.” I was like “Okay, the session is done now. What do you need right now and is there anything I can do for you?” I just held her in my arms and she cried. Some people experience that expression and want more sessions to shed shit, while others don’t want to go back there at all.
Natalia: You’re right, there’s a lot of heavy things you can tap into in this line of work. With that said, I’m wondering about the shared state of trauma we’re experiencing with the pandemic. How has it affected your business?
Jaime: My business came to a grinding halt due to the pandemic. A bunch of other stuff happened at the same time which were unfortunate and complicated things for me. One of them was some deterioration with my 19 year old autistic son’s mental health. Trying to get him reassessed was difficult during the early days of the pandemic. I also moved during this time, which was stressful. Teaching had always been my outlet, and without it I felt sad and a bit lost about the direction of my life. As difficult as the early days of the pandemic were, I managed to find a silver lining. I’ve taken it as an opportunity to do more studying and advance my knowledge about trauma, healing and exploring Reiki medicine. I’m doing an online course trauma certification with Udemy and I am revisiting a course I started with Vancouver Institute for the Study of Somatic Sex Education a few years ago. The self-study course was challenging. Everything being taught I knew and had been practicing for quite a while, so I struggled to maintain motivation. No doubt my ADD played a role as well. I did learn a few new things and terminology, which was beneficial. I consider myself a somatic sex educator even though I don’t have my certification from that Institute. I know there is bias with traditional credentials. It makes a difference to have a piece of paper as proof. However, people who want to work with me value my knowledge, appreciate it and respect my path of learning. I’m also studying more about shamanism so that I can integrate that into my work. At one point I was considering becoming a sex surrogate — we’ll see if I pursue that further!
Natalia: That’s awesome! I can’t wait to see how all this learning you’re doing evolves your business. What are you looking forward to most as the world begins to open back up?
Jaime: I’m looking forward to working with people again! I love teaching live and performing bodywork. I’ve also been thinking of starting a book club — something to help build community and give back. I’m ironing out the details but will definitely share them with you, because I know you love to read the same types of books as me! I’m also in the works of creating sexuality educational workshops and talks for parents, caregivers and health care professionals of atypical/divergent Adults on the Autism Spectrum with Intellectual Disabilities. I’m currently doing some extensive research for that project and it’s extremely exciting for me.
Natalia: Yes, please do share details with me about the book club! Before we end the interview, do you have a final thought you’d like to share with people about sexual and mental wellness?
Jaime: Yeah… I think it’s great to have people to look up to, whether it’s a coach, mentor or therapist, but I also think it’s important to take responsibility for your own wellness. In this world, people put a lot of pressure, responsibility, blame and resentment on others. Relationships with others are beautiful things. but our happiness is our own responsibility and we can expand and co-create with others. I appreciate and value the opinions of other people, but knowledge and healing is within us. It may just be dormant. I think many of us have the desire to awaken and reclaim our authentic self, power and love.
Natalia: That’s a great note to end on Jaime. I love it. Thank you so very much for agreeing to be part of this project. I can’t wait to learn more from you and keep me posted on the book club please!
Jaime: Definitely will!
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To keep up to date on Jaime’s offerings, follow her on Instagram and Facebook!
