Kinks & Coffee ft. Maissa Houri
Hello lovelies! Happy Spring to you all! With a new season arriving, I’ve been thinking a lot about change — especially in the context of the pandemic. We’ve all had to adapt to unusual circumstances and shift focus so that we can flourish in our new realities. Before COVID-19 hit, I was hyper focused on advancing my public service career. I spent a lot of my down time networking in the field to try and get ahead. This included going out for coffees, happy hour drinks, and evening events to mingle with senior leaders and as well as having a strong presence on Twitter, a popular platform among Canadian public servants for gaining exposure. When the pandemic hit, my normal routine was disrupted and a lot was stripped away. I was forced to consider whether the activities I used to cram into my schedule truly made me happy, and I realized that I was chasing a linear career progression path that society had led me to believe would bring me fulfillment. In reality, I was craving more opportunities to share my creative talents, which my 9–5 job would never be able to completely satisfy. So I pivoted. Instead of focusing my energy towards collecting the work experiences and contacts I needed for my next promotion, I decided that I would take time to stay still in my level and role, which I was comfortable and confident in, to afford myself the time and space to explore other outlets that give me fulfillment. For me, this has included self expression through various mediums such as writing, photography, and movement.
I share this as a segway to introduce my feature blog participant for this month, Maissa Houri, whom I have a great respect for as a fellow public servant who fiercely pursues her creative ambitions through film acting, storytelling and production. I was introduced to Maissa through my connections at Wicked Wanda’s Adult Emporium, where I’m the content writer for their monthly newsletter (visit Wicked Wanda’s website to subscribe)! Maissa is cooking up a new project with Wanda’s team to produce a YouTube sex education series. The series has unfortunately been delayed due to pandemic complications, but planning is well underway. I discovered that Maissa is also the creator behind an award-winning YouTube series titled Dirty Love which explores topics related to relationships, sexuality, and religion. I invited Maissa to participate in my blog series so that I could learn more about her inspiration behind these projects and her perspective on issues of sexual wellness as an Arab-Canadian in the film industry. Below is a summary of our virtual coffee chat — ENJOY!
Natalia: Hi Maissa — thanks for agreeing to participate in my project! From what I know, you’re a multi-faceted woman. You’re a proud Arab-Canadian, an actor and award-winning filmmaker, you’re a host of an Instagram live series called #MomsAfterDark, and so I assume you must be a mother as well. What other aspects of your identity are important to you?
Maissa: Thanks for having me as part of your project! I would add that I’m half-Lebanese, half-Syrian, born in Montreal, raised in Ottawa, and I’m married to a white man. All of these elements are at play within my identity.
Natalia: From what I gather after watching your YouTube series, Dirty Love, the main character whom you play is somewhat inspired by your identity. Is that right?
Maissa: The main character, like me, is a progressive Arab-Canadian woman. The series follows her being fired from a corporate job and starting her own business selling sex toys. This is controversial and a little out of the ordinary for Arabs as sexual women are taboo in our culture. Nevertheless, there are many Arab women, like me, who are comfortable with their sexuality. When it comes to representation of people from the MENA (Middle Eastern or North African) community in television and film, we’re often type-casted to terrorist, refugee, oppressed woman, etc. These are archetypes that I don’t resonate with, so I wanted to bring to life what represents me. I had this idea in my head because once upon a time I almost sold sex toys. Years ago, when I came back to Ottawa after my college studies in Montreal, I was hunting for a job. I met someone doing Passion Parties* and I thought I would be great at it. I figured I could easily build clientele from my community because Muslim women are not empowered to go to sex stores to buy products, however they can easily go to another woman’s house who is selling these things. The only reason I didn’t pursue it was because of the high up-front cost of buying $500 worth of products. But the idea has sat in the back of my head since then.
*Passion Parties is a home-based sales business selling adult toys to enhance a sexual relationship. During one of these parties, a Passion Party consultant comes to the host’s home and presents their products in front of party guests.
Natalia: Can you give me a quick synopsis of what the Dirty Love is about?
Maissa: The series is about a group of friends in their 30s trying to navigate dating, love, sexuality and religion. It’s one season which includes eight episodes. I produced the entire thing with the money in my pocket, no funding, with the help of some amazing friends and emerging talent in the Ottawa region.
Natalia: What did your research for the series look like?
Maissa: I did a lot of research into sex toys as well as the kink community. We filmed several scenes for the series at Studio Max in Ottawa, which is an event space for kink parties. You can rent it by yourself for private events, or attend open events.
Natalia: Interesting! What does a kink event space look like?
Maissa: I didn’t know what to expect before renting it actually. A friend of mine is a sexual wellness coach and she did an erotic massage workshop there. I was looking for a place to do a photoshoot for the series, and she suggested Studio Max. It’s basically a massive room with different thematic corners, lounge furniture, and equipment like paddles and whips. Everything is super clean and well maintained. We ended up using the space for filming the intro to the series as well as a spanking workshop scene that we have in one of the episodes.
Natalia: Ah, very cool! When it comes to filming intimate, sexual scenes like that spanking workshop, what are strategies to ensure the cast is comfortable?
Maissa: I hired a friend of mine who is a sexual wellness coach to be on set for support for all cast members. I’ve heard too many stories from actors where directors have made them feel really unsafe, or where crew members cat-called them or made jokes. I did not want that on our set, especially with the sensitive topics we were exploring. My friend was there to reassure folks that it was okay if certain feelings, biases, or issues came up during intimate scenes, and to help navigate them. For example, there was a kissing scene between two male actors, and one of the actors isn’t gay in real life. The sexual wellness coach spoke with him beforehand to make sure he was okay with how everything was going to play out. He was like: “Yeah, I’m okay with it all, but is it okay if we talk about my feelings a bit beforehand?” After we filmed Dirty Love, HBO actually started hiring intimacy coaches who choreograph scenes for the filming of their programs, which is awesome! Usually, the direction is just: “Make sure we see a lot of this or that.” The intimacy coaches are more involved and ask the actors: “Can they touch you here? Are you comfortable in this position?”
Natalia: Wow, that sounds like a really interesting profession. I’m definitely going to do some research into intimacy coaching. When it comes to you engaging in intimate scenes as an actor, how does it affect your relationship with your husband?
Maissa: I’ve been together with my husband for 14 years and we have a really solid relationship. He knew from the beginning that I was going to pursue acting no matter what. In order for it to work, I’ve had to ensure good communication with him so he knows exactly what’s happening. I make sure he reads the scripts and meets the actors I’m working with. He understands that these scenes are filmed with ten or more people around, so it’s not truly intimate. He can separate work from real life intimacy. Still, he doesn’t enjoy watching me kiss someone else on screen and opts not to watch it, which I completely understand. He also draws the line at private rehearsals and I fully respect that boundary. Ultimately, he’s not going to sacrifice our crazy love for each other over me kissing someone else on screen for work. It’s not for every relationship, that’s for sure. In the past, I had a boyfriend break-up with me because he couldn’t deal with the possibility of me making out with another person on set.
Natalia: It sounds like you have excellent terms established. Given that Dirty Love delves into religion, I’m curious about how sexuality and religion have intersected in your life?
Maissa: In Arab culture, sex education is non-existent. Yet, Arab countries consume the most porn internationally. The reality is that women’s purity is glorified. This isn’t exclusive to Arab culture though. The New York Times Britney Spears documentary (Framing Britney Spears) illustrated how Western society is also obsessed with purity. As an Arab girl, it’s the norm to be taught that you have to be a virgin until you’re married or else no one will want you. As a teenager, I remember asking my mom: “Are you not going to talk to me about sex?” Her response was: “No, I’m not. Just don’t do it.” My mother was married at 18 years of age and had six kids by the time she was 30 years old. Fortunately, I was able to explore sexuality independently. I was never a judgemental person and always very curious. I think moving to Montreal was also influential for me. I first moved to study at fashion design school because my dad didn’t want me to pursue acting. He designed women’s clothing when he first moved to Canada, so I decided to apply to fashion design school because I thought he wouldn’t complain about it. He didn’t complain, but he also didn’t talk to me for two weeks when he found out it was the only school I applied to. My dad and I argued a lot. He has a very rigid idea of women’s roles and I never felt connected to what he was saying or submissive to it. I did a year of the fashion and design program and hated it. The next year, I switched to theatre and film studies and absolutely LOVED it. There were sex stores and strip clubs in front of my school. Everything was out in the open and I felt there was no societal shame around sexuality.
Natalia: So, obviously, it must have been very challenging for your family to accept you creating content that they consider ‘taboo’?
Maissa: I’ve come to a point in my life where my dad knows he has zero control over what I do. We fight, and he will go days without talking to me, but he never cuts me out completely because at the end of the day family is just too important to him. Also, I’m married now and that relinquishes my parent’s ‘power’. I remember when my older sister got a tattoo, I asked my parents why I couldn’t get a tattoo. They said: “She’s married, her husband deals with her.” As an Arab woman, you either belong to your parents or your husband. Sometimes I ask my mom if she is mad about the fact that I post revealing photos on social media, for example with my cleavage exposed. Her response is: “I don’t love it and I worry about what my family in Lebanon will think, but you’re married now. What can I do?”
Natalia: I completely resonate with your rebellious heart. I’m wondering, how has your upbringing informed the way you parent?
Maissa: I have two daughters who are seven and four years old. I’ve always taught them that respect is the most important thing when it comes to any relationship. They’ve been told that they can love anyone they want as long as they are treated with respect so they haven’t grown up with boundaries when it comes to what relationships they can have. I obviously haven’t talked to them about sex, but they see me wear something low cut or revealing for photoshoots and they don’t question it. They haven’t been raised to pass judgement in that way. Whereas, when I was growing up, my mother and older sisters would always scrutinize me for showing skin. It was constant. I understand that they wanted to teach me self-respect, but it’s also my body and my choice. Also, who determines what self respect means? If I have multiple sex partners, that doesn’t mean I have less self respect or value than someone who has only one sexual partner in their life. I want my children to respect other people’s choices and to respect their bodies on their own terms. I’ve taught them not to touch other people without permission, and they are empowered to reject touch from anyone. When my eldest daughter was in kindergarten, she came home one day and told me that a boy in class kept hitting and tapping her after she repeatedly asked him to stop. I asked her teacher about this situation. Her response was: “Oh, they’re so cute! They’re like boyfriend and girlfriend. It’s nothing. It may just be that he’s moving too much when he sits next to her.” I was like: “Ummm, no she knows that people should keep their hands to themselves and I would like for that to happen.” It’s this toxic ‘boys will be boys’ attitude that I vehemently reject.
Natalia: Good on you for defending your daughter! It’s the repeated dismissal of young girl’s voices that leads them to just opt for silence and develop this fear of not being believed. Do you discuss these types of issues on your #MomsAfterDark Instagram live series?
Maissa: Actually, the series is about giving moms in different creative fields an opportunity to focus solely on themselves. People who work in creative industries typically have longer hours and it’s especially harder on women who are so many things to so many people. For a lot of us, it’s a side hustle until we can make it our full-time career. So, we’re always juggling everything. #MomsAfterDark is about giving these women a moment to share their passions and inspire other moms to pursue theirs.
Natalia: That’s wonderful! What other projects do you have on the-go?
Maissa: I’m going to be pitching a comedy TV series soon depicting a wide range of Arab Canadians to show some more realistic family dynamics. I’m also working with Wicked Wanda’s team to get her YouTube channel up and running. We want to collaborate with different people and give them their own sex education segments.
Natalia: These are both super exciting projects. Congrats and I’ll be sure to stay in touch to see how things develop. Thanks for taking time to speak with me Maissa, it’s been really enjoyable.
Maissa: My pleasure! I’ll put you in touch with a contact so you can learn more about intimacy coaching.
Natalia: An amazing lead for a future blog post! Thanks!
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