Kinks & Coffee ft. Malebo

Hellooo beautiful people! It’s been a pretty hectic month and half for me with my work and personal life, so I’m a bit behind with writing up some blog pieces, though I have continued to have interesting conversations about sexuality and mental health with local women in the Ottawa community. Somehow I’ve managed to squeeze them into my insane schedule and I am truly so glad because they bring me a lot of joy and really open my eyes to different pathways when it comes to taking care of our sexual and mental wellness.

Today I’m sharing snippets of a lovely chat I had with Ms. Malebo over tea (her preferred hot drink of choice). Malebo and I became recently acquainted through a new guy that I’ve been dating that is close friends with her partner. I really admire Malebo’s honest and direct attitude, which comes across as soon as you meet her. During our first interaction, I was giving Malebo a quick tour of my apartment. When we got to the bedroom, she said: “Ohhhh and this is where you have sex, yes? Cool, cool.” So, I learned pretty quickly that it was probably okay to broach the subject of sexuality with this gal. We had a couple of drinks, got more comfortable, and I was able to pick her brain a bit on this topic but by the end of the night I still wanted to learn more from her. In particular, I was curious to hear about the differences she sees between South Africa and Canada in terms of how women’s sexuality and bodies are perceived in society and what is deemed as normal/acceptable. Fortunately she agreed to a coffee/tea date with me and participating in part of this project of mine :)

Before diving into the chat, here are a few more salient details about Malebo. She’s a new Canadian, having moved from her home country of South Africa a couple of years ago to be with her partner, Chris. The two were planning to have their wedding this summer but plans have been delayed to next year due to, of course, the COVID-19 pandemic. Malebo’s got a sharp and funky sense of style and a passion for the fashion industry. She previously worked as a retail fashion buyer in South Africa and is currently navigating the fashion industry in Canada, trying to find her perfect fit in terms of role, company and purchasing approach.

Natalia: Thanks so much for agreeing to chat more, Malebo! To start, these are the things that I have come to know about your identity from the short time that I’ve known you. You’re originally from South Africa, you’re recently happily engaged, and you’re a trendy fashionista! What are other important parts of your identity that you would want others to know?

Malebo: I wouldn’t say that I am a body positivity ambassador so to speak, but I am really all about body positivity. Right now, there’s a lot of attention on body shaming in the space of body positivity, meaning the idea that you shouldn’t make any comment about another person’s body. But, I think that there are certain things that you should be able to say to people to show concern for them. Every single body should definitely be appreciated — but if my friend is getting a boob job and I don’t think that’s a healthy or safe idea for her, I’m going to speak out and talk to her about it in a way that is respectful.

Natalia: Can you pinpoint when you became an advocate around body positivity issues and why?

Malebo: Yeah. I became more active around body positivity because I want society to accept that dark skinned women are also beautiful. In South Africa children get made fun of irrespective of weight. As a child, you will be made if you’re too tall, too fat, too skinny, whatever really. For me it was my skin. When your skin is darker you are perceived as ugly. My two best friends were much fairer in complexion and I was always the target of bullying from that friend group. I was called a monkey or told to go clean my skin because it was dirty. Even my family would pick on me for my skin tone because I was the darkest in my family. My aunt would tell me to buy cider vinegar to scrub off excess dead skin and become lighter. When I was young, I wouldn’t go swimming because I didn’t want to wear a bikini because I was afraid to show more of my body. One time my mom bought me really cute shorts and I didn’t want to wear them because I didn’t want to show more of my dark skin. My mom was like “listen, if people have seen your face they know it’s dark, they have no reason to assume your butt should be white!” I remember thinking about that and being like… “hmm ok, that makes sense so I guess I’ll wear them”.

Natalia: Would you talk to your mother about the fact that you were being bullied?

Malebo: Not really, and that’s because it’s a generational difference. I grew up in a township that was initially made during apartheid. It’s made up of most black communities in small packed spaces, so it’s a concentration where everyone is up in your business. My parent’s generation had so many problems and so much stress, that they just don’t take mental health seriously. They’d be like “Did you go to school? Did you eat? Ok you’re fine then.” Nothing in terms of mental health is taken seriously. Many people faced the same problems as me but it’s just not recognized as an issue, it’s so normalized

Natalia: How were you able to cope and overcome the bullying? What happened in your life that made you develop more confidence in your appearance?

Malebo: When I was a kid, I thought about skin lightening a lot. You know how some people when they are young think that when they grow up they’re going to get a boob job? Well, when I was young I always thought I would grow up and lighten my skin. There’s a huge market for skin lightening in South Africa, especially nowadays since it’s promoted all over social media and becoming even more common. I’m lucky that when I became 17 or 18 years old, I outgrew that idea. It’s going to sound like a negative thing, but I got over it mostly because of male attention. All of a sudden, I was getting noticed by guys who found me hot. I enjoyed the attention so much and was eager to please, but it did make me oversexual.

Natalia: When would you say you became sexual and has sex always been something that you’ve been fairly comfortable talking about?

Malebo: I’d say I have been comfortable talking about sex since I started having sex, but not before that. Most people start having a sex when they are in a relationship but I actually wasn’t having sex with my first boyfriend. We dated from the 9th grade until the end of highschool. We both really liked each other and got along really well but we weren’t very sexual together. We only tried to have sex once and it was so awkward. It was just weird and we were both like “hmmm, okay maybe not.” We were just rubbing against each other because we didn’t fully understand the concept of sex and we thought what we were doing must be it. The second time I would try having sex would be a hook-up with a guy I had a crush on. I remeber thinking “oh, maybe this it the first time I’m actually having sex?”

Natalia: Since you and your first boyfriend didn’t really understand what sex entailed, I’m wondering how young people typically learn about sex in South Africa and if it’s much different from Canada?

Malebo: In Canada, people speak about sex so openly and kids are actually having less sex. African kids are having more children because you don’t speak about it therefore you don’t get education and you don’t get contraceptives. It’s so taboo to talk about it so you have to learn everything on your own. The fact that I was a late teen/early adult and thought I had sex when it turn’s out I hadn’t is proof of that exactly. You’d think I would know more. We also didn’t have wifi or computers so I never had the opportunity to watch porn or find resources online. Sex education is not taught in school, although they do teach us about the dangers of sex because HIV is a real problem. But, nobody actually speaks to you about what sex looks like. In my 11th grade biology class, I remember people were acting like immature children when we were studying reproduction and learning about sexual organs because we weren’t accustomed to adults talking about these things with us. I had my first conversation about sex with my mom two years ago when she asked me “when are you going to give me grandchildren?” And I said, “oh, so you want me to have sex?” Her response was “it’s not like you’re not having it.” That was literally the first time we spoke about sex. That’s how parents are — you can’t have sex until you give me grand children. She would always say to me: “Books before boys because boys bring babies’’ but she never explained how!

Natalia: What about the friends you grew up with? Would you have conversations with them about sex?

Malebo: To say I talked to my friends about sex would be a stretch. People tell you about stuff but we don’t really have meaningful conversations about it. To this day, my friends think I am a whore and judge me because I am the most open about what I’ve done. They don’t share their experiences with me so they always have the upper hand. Even if they leave with a guy and I’m sure they definitely hooked up, they will be like “nooo, we just watched a movie.” At first, I think my relationship with sex was a bit toxic because I used it to boost my self esteem. But when I started to really enjoy sex for the pleasure it gave me, I was just so excited to share with my friends. I’d be like “Do you know what I do to reach an orgasm? Let me tell you!”

Natalia: At what stage did sex begin to be so pleasurable for you?

Malebo: When I got into my first stable relationship as an adult. I was 23 years old and it was actually a guy from primary school who I’d never looked at twice before, but we bumped into each other and he was like “wow, you’re so grown!” and I was like “oh, you turned out to become a decent person!” We ended up dating about a year and half. When you’re having sex with random people, you know if it’s not mindblowing you can walk away. But, once you decide to invest in someone, you have to teach them what you like. During that relationship I really figured out what felt good for me.

Natalia: So what did you learn about your sexual appetite?

Malebo: That I don’t like passive people. Obviously, make sure that I’m comfortable with what’s happening but I want my partner to take control, roll me over and be involved in setting the scene. I also don’t like being asked or begged to do something.

Natalia: And I’m assuming that your boyfriend at that time was a good match for you based on those preferences?

Malebo: Yeah, he was a passive guy outside of the bedroom but not when it came to sex. Actually, that’s the reason why we ended up breaking up. His passiveness in day-to-day life. But our sexual dynamic was definitely not the problem.

Natalia: What was your dating life after that relationship ended?

Malebo: After we broke up, I visited Cape Town for the first time and I met this guy. He was so different from my old boyfriend which excited me. When I came back home, we continued a long distance relationship for about a year. After that, I decided to move to Cape Town for work. Technically we physically dated for about 6 months once I moved there. But, his job took him out of town a lot so I normally only saw him every other weekend. Then, I got a call from him AND his other girlfriend one day. On the phone he said “can you please tell her that we are not dating?” I was sooo confused! I just hung up.

Natalia: Wow, the nerve of him wanting you to cover for him! Did you have any suspicions of him having another relationship?

Malebo: Not really. He didn’t post a lot on social media and didn’t have any photos with another woman. I know for you it’s probably mind boggling, but in South Africa cheating is actually really common. Most guys have a side chick and in many cases, their partners know about them. If a guy who has a girlfriend is hitting on you at the club, they’ll say what their girlfriend doesn’t know won’t hurt her. Since it’s so common, you get numb to it. It’s not my responsibility to protect someone else’s partner. Some women cheat with male partners too but it’s less normalized.

Natalia: How do you feel about cheating — is it a black and white thing for you? You know, if you cheat you’re a bad person and there is simply no excuse.

Malebo: It depends. People cheat for different reasons. Some do it because they are feeling neglected, others because in the moment it’s what they desire. If you cheat, it means you’re selfish — that’s for sure. The one kind of cheating that I would never excuse is when someone is maintaining two relationships at once and actively hiding another person. I am more capable of forgiving a one-off event.

Natalia: Was that experience difficult to recover from or did you move on fairly easily?

Malebo: I was really hurt but it was easy to move on because he clearly chose the other girl over me. Fairly soon after that, I met my fiance. I went to meet a friend at a hostel bar and he happened to be staying there during his travels. We hooked up and he ended up staying at my house for three weeks. Things escalated fast, but we were both so into each other. I remember being devastated when we said goodbye at the airport. Two months later, I would come to Canada to visit for a few weeks, and then a couple of months later he came to me in South Africa. Eventually we had to make a decision about what we were doing. Even though I loved my job, changes in senior management were making the working environment difficult for me. So, I decided to quit my job and to start over in Canada.

Natalia: How do you feel about getting married?

Malebo: I’ve always wanted to get married but everything happened so differently than how I expected. In South Africa, you don’t live with someone until you get married. But Chris and I have now been living together for a couple of years. South African custom also requires the man to pay a dowry to the woman’s family. It used to be cows, but now that people live in cities it’s money. The average amount is somewhere between $1,000 up to $5,000 typically, but it’s negotiation between the two families. It’s meant to account for the fact that you’re taking labour from one home to another. We’ll be doing the dowry exchange a week before our wedding, scheduled now for April 2021 in South Africa.

Natalia: That’s exciting that you’ve got a date set! Since moving to Canada, I’m wondering if you have any observations about norms for relationships here compared to South Africa?

Malebo: I think women are less sexualized here, even though speaking about sex is considered more normal. Back home, people are just more aggressive when it comes to courting. Dating here in Canada is a slower process, which is refreshing. It’s changed my perspective and I’ve realized that some things I accepted previously are actually toxic. The bare minimum used to excite me when it came to dating, and now I have higher standards for my partners. For example, a guy would not take you out for a meal as a first date. Usually, a guy would meet you, get your number and invite you to go out to the bar with him. He’d want to show off the hot piece of ass he got on the side of the road to his friends. He’d buy you drinks because maybe you’ll be a bit more loose than normal. Dating culture is not about sitting down and getting to know a person on a deep level. That’s why a lot of relationships are broken back home.

Natalia: Are there any other big lessons learned for you or things that you’re working on?

Malebo: I’m learning to forgive myself. I think I was able to convince myself that I was okay with some sexual stuff that I did previously, but today I realize they didn’t really make me happy. I had a toxic relationship with alcohol and sex because I was insecure about my body and the alcohol would help distract my mind during sex. Today, I am loving myself harder and more honestly. I won’t have sex out of obligation with my partner. I want to do it when I am really into it because I don’t want it to be a chore. So maybe that means we have a few days without sex, and thats okay. Now I’m having sex when I am sober, confidence, and into it — and it’s amazing!

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A big thanks to Malebo for being so raw and candid with me — I really enjoyed hearing about what has influenced her body confidence and personal growth and I hope that you did too. I’ll be publishing my next blog in the new year, so keep your eye out for that:) In the meantime, wishing you all a relaxing, warm and safe 2020 holiday season. Take care of yourself and your loved ones!